Permission First: A Kinder Way to Help

I have always found it difficult when a friend/family member is telling me about their partner or a love interest that is poorly suited for them. One common cause for this, at least in the world I came from, was people loving the institution of marriage more than the person they married.

If the person is kind enough and loves me back then that should be enough, right? Maybe to get started. But what about when you realize that the daily lives that each of you envisioned look nothing alike?

One is spontaneous play; the other is productivity through precision. One is wanting connection with as many friends as possible; the other might be happier if they never saw another human outside of a video game. One wants children; the other doesn’t.

So when someone is telling me about a partner in a way that is revealing this mismatch, the question I ask myself is, “Would I want to be told about this?”

Someone I know seems to be in a type of relationship that they didn’t expect. It seems as though they wanted the best friend type relationship, but what they ended up with is a relationship more similar to what the boomer generation had. Maybe you know what I’m talking about. Historically, the woman in the relationship might have said something like, “He’s retiring next year. I don’t know what I’ll do when he’s in the house all the time.” Or “I don’t know if I can handle a vacation that long with them.”

I brought up this situation with a group of friends recently and said that I’m sad for this person if they want a best friend as a partner, but got a boomer instead and I was trying to figure out whether I should tell them or not. Their advice was so simple. “Just ask.”

Ask how they view relationships and which style they like. If the kind they say they want isn’t what they have then ask another question, “I have some advice to give that comes from a place of love about your relationship with your partner. Do you want to hear it?” If they say yes to that then there’s one more question: “Do you have the mental/emotional resources to receive this right now?”

This feels so much better to me. Just knowing that I’m thinking about them would help them to feel love and cared for whether or not they say yes to hearing my advice or not. I get to relax and not worry about whether or not I should have acted. And because I’ve asked if now is a good time they are much more likely to be able to receive it.

This post literally let me exhale a sigh of relief. It makes a tricky scenario simple. Because of that discussion with friends and writing it out I now feel like I have a new tool to deal with that desire to help when I’m not sure help is wanted.